For years and years, I believed that God was a scary, malicious being, just waiting for me to mess up so that He could say, “GOTCHA!” and zap me with a lightning bolt. It sounds funny and usually when I share this with others, they giggle; but it’s true. That’s what I felt, deep down. The end result of that was intellectually pretty crazy: I would try to always be perfect, hoping that perfection would be acceptable to God, and at the same time presenting as someone who had it all together.
And, to make it even worse, unfortunately I expected others to be perfect. I could be pretty mean when they weren’t: I would make fun of them behind their backs, stop being their friend, even stop doing business with them. If you can believe it, I was unaware of these characteristics of mine. Yuck.
By the miraculous working of God in my life, He’s gently shown me that these are two sides of the same coin: believing that I’m not worth Him wanting to be with me on the one side; and pretending that I’m the best thing since sliced bread on the other. The problem with both of them was that they are rooted in a belief that God couldn’t love the “real” me. I’m not worthy, therefore, I’m worthless.
What I’ve come to realize is that—newsflash!— I’m actually not worthy. None of us are. But that doesn’t mean we’re worthless. Isaiah implies this in today’s readings: we actually need God with us. We need saving. And He is ready and willing to step alongside us to do it. The reality is, I’m not able to do it on my own (whatever “it” is).
The miracle God worked in me was the gift of finally, after years and years, actually believing that He is trustworthy and can and will love me. It was such a relief to stop hiding. To just be me and willingly show God all “the things.” That evil malicious lightning bolt wielding god that I believed in before? That was some demon. Certainly it wasn’t God, not the God of the Bible.
For reflection:
- What is your true image of God, the image you have of him in your heart?
- Trusting my Emmanuel, for me, means a daily reminder to trust that He loves me just the way I am, no matter what is going on, and that He’s working in me to make me into the woman He wants me to be. What do you do to trust Emmanuel?
by Kate Halfwassen
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